What many don't realize about Florida is that it's much like California in that it's very long. 7 hours driving from top to tip, actually. Length means several different climates. Only the bottom half, starting at Orlando, is actually in the Tropics. Jacksonville, where I happen to be, is North Florida, and last night it was 26 degrees.

Yes! 26! Now to people in more northern states, that would mean putting on a coat and hat and possibly some gloves and generally acting like it was cold. In Florida, heck no! Our populace seems to think that, because We Live In Florida, this entitles us to many things, including Amendment 67a, The Right Not To Read Our Ballots, but I digress. Most residents handle the weather change in the following ways. You might notice a trend:

1. Believing that Florida is entirely a Tropical State; therefore, the thermometer is irrelevant. I will now wear a sweatshirt, shorts, and flip-flops.
2. Calculating the Actual Floridian Weather by a complex mathematical formula which, once the temperature drops below 50 degrees, if the number in the ones position is under 5, multiplies the temperature by 2, or, if that number is over 5, inverts the numbers to form the new, correct temperature, e.g. 24 degrees is actually 48, and 48 degrees is actually 84. Therefore, it is warm.
3. Loudly exclaiming that They Love The Cold Weather Better Than They Like The Heat, starting them on a long tirade railing against any temperature higher than 40 degrees and humidity more than 20%, conditions which resemble their original climate. These people have the sense to wear pants, but wear short sleeves, to show everyone else that it is not as cold as it would be in Nebraska, and, therefore, it is not cold.

In short, 95% of Floridians (yes, this is a manufactured statistic) believe that 26 degrees is not cold, because a) it's Florida and Florida isn't cold, b) it's really 62 degrees, or c) it isn't 6 degrees, so it's not really cold. It's rare to see someone wear a coat in cold weather, much less gloves, and don't even think about wearing a hat here, because then the terrorists win, and that was true before there even were terrorists. Four years ago in December in Boston, I bought 2 hats. I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've worn them since being home, and that doesn't mean I didn't need to, but I prefer to go through my days Dirty Glance Free.

The problem with this crazy behavior is this.... It IS cold. 26 is 26 is 26, and 26 is a hard freeze. Plants die, pets hide, and frost bites. The less you protect yourself from cold, the more you get sick, and the faster it spreads. Half the reason there were more female victims of the 1917 influenza epidemic is that women wore flimsy clothing while men wore wool. It's true.

And, now, using cliches, the word "therefore" and pseudo-science to back me up...

New Winter Guidelines For Fellow Floridians:

1. Maybe blood is thicker than water, and your formerly Northern blood is "thick." But water freezes at 32 degrees, and the body is 90% water. Therefore, if it is 32 or below, you may now say, "I'm Freezing."
2. 80% of body heat is lost through the top of the head. Therefore, you may now put on a hat.
3. Flip-flops (known to other states as "thongs", while here, thongs are thongs) are for walking on hot sand. The ocean is 50 degrees in January. Therefore, you may now put on real shoes.
4. Controlling one's core temperature is essential to resisting cold and flu viruses, which live on door handles for over 2 days, put there by other helpful individuals who are not savvy to this idea. Therefore, you may now put on a sweater and pants.
5. Calculating temperature is not akin to converting Fahrenheit to Celsius or Kelvin, and the final number does not translate to a higher temperature than actually exists. Therefore, you may now look at the thermometer and realize...

Note: image from Get Fuzzy and edited completely without permission. Don't sue!