So today I'm pulling into work and turn the radio to my favorite little station that only comes in clearly at night and hear one of my favorite Christmas songs of all time, "The Twelve Days of Christmas." But not any version will do, you know. It has to be the Muppet version from the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Album, which I recently bought in CD version, since I no longer have a turntable. That album is necessary, so that you can hear stylin' tunes o' the past, such as...
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting FAT
Time to put a penny in the old man's hat
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do
If you haven't got a ha'penny then GOD BLESS YOU
GODBLESSYOUGODBLESSYOUGODBLESSYOU
(repeat ad infinitum in Miss Piggy voice)

And let's not forget the 12 days song itself, with one verse sung by Beaker. Who can resist? However, that did remind me of the Darker Side of Christmas--those songs, movies, foods, etc. that come up every single year and are no better this year than the ill-starred year they first appeared. So here it is with input from many of you...

Sarahphrase's Worst of Christmas

1. Frosty the Snowman, animated version with Burl Ives - Let's admit it; it's just scary! Not only is it creepy looking, but then he dies. Yes, I know he'll "be baaaack aaaagaaaaain sommme daaaayyyy," but it will be a totally different snowman, won't it? Or is it snowman reincarnation? *shudder*
2. "Merry Christmas/No War" by John Lennon - This is in strong contention with #3 as my least favorite song in the world. Not only is it trite and hippie, it features Yoko Ono, who is clearly tone-deaf, and, the kiss of death to any serious song, a children's chorus.
3. "My Favorite Things" - a) This is not a Christmas song and it isn't about Christmas presents. b) It's recorded in a minor key, so it's menacing even though it shouldn't be. c) It sticks in your mind and replays itself endlessly, much like #2, above. Can you say "brainwashing," boys and girls?
4. New Christmas songs - How many ways can you possibly rearrange the words "Christmas Day, presents, around the tree, love, laughter, tears, children, wish, and hope"? Their holidays are great, but they feel so guilty; or their holidays are Grown Up, but still full of Child-Like Wonder. Just stop it already. There are plenty to go around.
5. Christmas songs involving death of loved ones - Do I have to explain this one?
6. Hallmark Christmas movies - Normally shameless tearjerkers taken to the next level of hysterical crying. Kleenex should sponsor.
7. "The Little Match Girl" by Hans Christian Anderson - A sweet little tale about a sweet little girl selling matches and fantasizing about a beautiful Christmas that she can never have because she's poor... Oh, and dead by the end of the story.
8. Family Christmas Cards featuring Matching Outfit Pictures - Especially if said outfit is a white polo and khaki pants rolled slightly to reveal bare feet as they sit on the beach. People: It's been done.
9. Combination Invention Gifts - These are those presents created especially for the holidays, like the one selling at Belk right now... Radio/TV/Lantern/Fluorescent Light Stick. Who dreams of that under the tree?
10. Felt, spray snow, and glitter.
11. A Christmas Carole Remakes - Scrooge. Tiny Tim. God bless us one and all. Ok. Got it. Moving on.
12. "If it's not freezing/snowing/sleeting/etc., it doesn't feel like Christmas." - The Christmas spirit is inside you, and it's about giving, not the weather. In fact, I would be perfectly in Grand Cayman. Trade you?
13. Animated Singing Character Dolls - This includes snowmen, santas, and any other thing that lights up and/or dances and/or sings loud Christmas songs when you walk by in the store, especially en masse.
14. Creative Desserts - Apparently this is a popular one with the guys. I received several suggestions that raisins in baked goods, gelatinous mounds of fruit-like substances, and pretty-but-nearly-inedible desserts were the worst part of the holidays. Cookies, however, are just fine.
15. Cart Vendors Selling Flying Objects in the Mall - You're walking by with bags. It's crowded. There's a guy at his kiosk next to you and then ZZZZIIIPPP... eeeeeeeee!!!! The only time I thought this was amusing was at the Florida Mall in Orlando in which the vendors were bored and started flying their helicopters into the fountain. That was funny. 5 inches from my head isn't. Also, they make eye contact as they're doing it, hoping you will think it's so, so cool. Note to Vendors: I don't.
16. Strappy Holiday Dresses and Shoes - Even in Florida, it's too cold to wear them. Even if you get there with a full-length fur coat on, the room is cold enough for all the men wearing tuxedos. Also the problem with Florida... everything is casual, and you'll never, ever have a chance to wear them, even if you wanted to.
17. Santa in church - Not only is that mixing your metaphors and meanings, but Santa is also a lie, and liars are fryers. Appropriate for church? I think not.
18. Decorations Before Halloween - I saw this happen.

That's the list for now... But don't think I'm above adding, because you know I will!